Something that makes you laugh.

I have been on this forum for a few days and realized no one is ever on. So I want to make a thread that someone will read and reply. Here I go. (I will seperate each post so it's easier for you to read)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

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An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.

The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.

They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.

They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."

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There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy

One is to take her shopping.

The rest is 69.

(Sorry)

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A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them."

At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again,

"Are my test results back?"

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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

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The Principal of an elementary school went into a kindergarten classroom with all the a pack of Life Savers and told the kids, "I am going to give you all the same flavor and if you can tell me what it is then you will all get a prize." He gave them all Honey, and didn't tell them what flavor it was. The kids ate them and no one knew what kind of flavor they were, so he said, "Here I will give you a clue, your mother might call your father this."
Little Johnny stands on a chair and shouts, "Everyone spit them out, it's asshole flavored!"

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A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful,
and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.

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A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.

The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.

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One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

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A math teacher and his wife were both 54 years old. One evening the wife came home and found a note from her husband. It said: ''My dear, you are 54 years old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me.''

He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: ''You are also 54 years old and there are things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a math teacher) should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don't YOU wait up for ME.''

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One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."

The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

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Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland

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- What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court lying?

- A net.

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- Why is a baby ant confused?

- Because his uncles are ants.

you know, i should honestly delete this thread for all the post spamming. just use the edit button and add it into one post. when you can't fit anymore into one, then make a second.
instead of using new posts as breaks. use a line.

ex:
-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-

Lol most of it was sexual, so since I'm basically a immature little kid on the inside...

Smart idea, Verso. Sorry for spamming. How do you know it's sexual if u're immature. If u're immature, then you don't get it => you don't know it's sexual. LOL.

Uh oh, do I have a paradox on my hands?

How should I know??? And Verso, don't delete my post. I'll combine them later.

i wont. don't worry.

Not sure anyone is even bothered to read but anyways "For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

The following aren't originally from me. I just happened to have them, well, it's in my agenda. So...

- "Don't judge a book by its movie"


- "Motivation will almost always beat mere talent"


- "One thing about the speed of light - it gets here too early in the morning"


- "Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go"


- "The dead batteries were given out free of charge"


- "I spilled spot remover on my dog - now he's gone"


- "Anyone who doesn't make mistakes isn't trying hard enough"


- "The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary"


- "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine"

All of it seemed so pointedly obvious but, I tend not to think about it that way.

So I borrowed this book from school. The book is Believe it or Not by Ripley
I'm going to summarize a section of the book. I use some different words to make it easier to understand. Hope you laugh at the end. XD

God's Heaven

All of us expect to go to heaven when we die.
Take my advice: make a reservation.
Heaven is becoming very crowded.
We will say that you go to heaven to meet your father and mother and relatives. When you meet your father and mother, they will be with their father and mother, for they would have the same desire to be with their parents as you have to be with them. And their parents in turn would be with their parents; and so on back through countless generations of mankind.

Here's the fun part

If we take 25 years a generation, we find that there have been 77 generations since the time of Christ. If we count only your parents, their parents and so on backward for that length of time, we find that you will have to meet 302,231,454,903,657,293,676,543 different relatives.
If ALL that many people were on earth today, they would have to be stacked up on each others' heads. Allowing them two feet to stand on this would make a stack of one solid mass of folks 113,236 miles high all over the earth's surface.

Suppose you wanted to say "hello" to your dear old grandfather who happened to be located some 113,000 miles up the heap. You have to scramble up this human bean-stalk like little Jack.
Let's assume that you can climb 8 miles a day, you would reach your old grandpa about 39 years later - that is - you didn't get knocked down when stepping on somebody's ear. Getting down is fater, so you would reach your original place about 50 years after.

That is 2 generations - which means that maybe your children and some of your children's children will have squeezed in and been looking around for you. You can't expect anybody to hold your place for you for 50 years.

Remember, the provided number do not include brothers, sisters, incles, aunts, nieces, nephews, cousins and other relatives. And that is only 1928 years (this book is old), even though scientists tell us that man has been on earth for countless generations before that time. even 100,000 years. We also have to share heaven with animals with four legs or long tail for the last 100,000,000 years. Maybe even dinosaurs.

St. John records the limits of Heaven in Revelations, XXI., 16:
"... He measured the city with the reed, twelve thousand furlongs. The length, and the breadth, and the height of it are equal."
Twelve thousand furlongs is 7,920,000 feet, and when cubed, equal to 496,793,088,000,000,000 cubic feet, which is about 15 miles in each dimension. It is able to hold 49,679,308,000,000,000 people if packed in tight. This calculation does not allow for the streets of gold or trees of marvelous leaves and fruits, or the "pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb."

It is apparent that heaven was filled up several hundred years ago, or about the time that Columbus was dicovering America.
There is only way option. You must die sometime, and since it is so evident that you cannot go to heaven, where shall you go ---?

You said it.

Hell?

I get it, but was it funny?